I need to be fixed-I’m broken
Sitting here crying. Thinking about my life, how no matter what happens things always go wrong.
I'm just gonna write a summary of what's happened in my life and just well yeah...
When I was a kid I used to find it Difficult to make friends, I was the fat quiet one who no one wanted to be friends with in both primary and secondary school. In secondary school I made a few friends in my last year. I left high school wih 6A*'s (from BTEC subjects), 2 A's, a B, 4 and a half C' and a D. I felt quite clever. When I was 14 I started cutting - I heard about it on tv and wondered what it was like - pure curiosity but I only scratched my arms with a bit of wire/a staple and I still have marks there now 3years later. Any way I was a on and off cutter.
I started college and struggled really bad. I made friends straight away which surprised me but I was still the quiet fat girl. College is so fast paced, I started off okay then my grades started going down - there was so much work to do anyway i started cutting again and every Friday morning I caught the same bus wih a really good mate from high school (I really fancied him) and he kept urging me to stop self harming and eventually I did (his opinion meant so much to me) and I gave him my blades to chuck away. In my second month of college I took a paracetamol overdose and college sent me to hospital in which I stayed for 3days and 2nights. My Parents were horrified they found about my sel harm and I finally admitted to them all that I have an eating disorder. When I went back to college the week after everyone was worried and they all knew tht the overdose was intentional. Anyway less than 3weeks after my overdose the guy I used to catch the bus with asked me out. I was so overjoyed, we had a good couple of weeks then the relationship broke down... One argument - broke our relationship. But even though I was truly gutted I am glad it happened because it made me realise how much of an idiot he was. We broke up a week after my birthday which was also the week before Christmas.
Anyway I didnt cut and I was so proud of myself. However I gained a stone over christmas and it knocked me down I didn't eat lots so how could I gain a stone I feel truly discusting and january I had my first set of Alevel exams (after 3months of starting college) and I failed them - I know I did and now iv started cutting again.
I have a key worker who is supposed to monitor me (make sure i don't take any steps backwards) while I wait 5months to get CBT off the NHS. I haven't told her iv started self harming again or that I have thoughts of suicide.
But recently iv begun to wonder wether I am bi-polar as I have weeks of depression and now iv randomly started to feel really energetic and awake and happy - for no reason whatsoever. I feel like I can do anything - iv just sent off for an information pack for skydiving and iv also just spent £200 on clothes (the thing is I ain't bought clothes in 2years and I used money from my savings account to buy them ones) I just feel like a completely different person - in really talkative and I don't feel like I need as much sleep.
I dont know how long I'm going to feel this energetic but when I'm depressed it lasts for weeks/months at a time and I have so many suicide thoughts its quite scary.
And lately iv been feeling real paranoid that someone will kill me in the shower or when I go into my room (pathetic I know but I get real jumpy) and also when I walk home from the bus stop.
I just think I'm so messed up. The day when my key worker came into college was when I was depressed and the student devices manager at college and my key worker said I just need to try and be happy and get out more and implied that I'm just attention seeking/being pathetic cuz my homelife is decent - I.e. I don't get hit and I don't get bullied at college so I'm just overreacting (I felt so insulted but just agreed) I just feel so completely energetic now and it's scaring me because I don't know why.
But I'm just sitting here realising that when the cuts on my arm have heeled I'm gonna be left with more scars because now I'm cutting slightly deeper and I just feel so wierd. I do it all to myself no one makes me feel like this it's me, my mind and it's not right
My new years resolution was not to cut at all in the whole year (I thought I could do it considering I havent cut at all since October) but I didn't get to the end of January without cutting.
I don't know how to make it through this.
I want to be perfect, look perfect, have perfect grades, have a perfect life with a guy who loves me for me.
I had my first disciplinary warning at college in my second month there, I nearly got a second warning last week and If you get 3 you get kicked out, my moods affect my college work and my friends/relationships.
Oh and just to add to my stress there is a guy at college who me and my mates talk to and he wants to have sex with me (he was my first kiss so now he thinks he owns me) but I just try and stay away from him. But I miss mark - he was my best mate he stopes me harming the first time - he doesn't know in cutting again, I ain't told him cuz I don't want him being disappointed in me.
When im depressed each day is a struggle to get through and I now have 2blades on me at all times, but now I have so much energy at the moment I just wanna run, run a marathon or go jogging down by the canals.
I'm just so confused.... And there's always this little voice in the back of my head saying 'you're stupid' 'your not gonna pass college' 'your UGLY and FAT' 'you don't deserve to live, everything would be better I'd you we're dead, all you do is bring people down' 'YOU PATHETIC STUPID BITCH' 'you don't deserve your friends or family, you don't deserve their love' 'your worthless' and I listen to these voices and believe them and it brings me down so much. I just wanna be back in hospital And have people tell me everything will be okay and thy will sort me out and get me fixed.
I dont wana be this mentally messed up for my whole life - I don't want to have a kid when I can hardly make decisions for myself how can I be responsible for anyone else when I'm not really capable of looking after myself.
My inability to make decisions is annoying my parents and my problem with food its ruining my life let alone the fact I can't control my moods/emotions maybe it would be better if I was dead - im such a burden on everyone. I still feel real energetic even though im saying this. I just really need help