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Self-harm or "Self-injury" has taken a huge role in my life. I used to be popular, had lots of friends and everyone liked me. Middle school changed that and I started to lose friends and I became less and less popular. It all started in year seven. I had perfectly nice friends. Emily and Joanne, twins, and Ellie who was really funny. We were so great friends. When this girl called Hannah started hanging around with us, it was different. She's never liked me and I don't think she ever will. Well, she began to take over. Leaving me out by walking off with the twins and Ellie. She found it funny to laugh at me and call me fat. I didn't like it and she wasn't exactly the prettiest. She was skinny and quite ugly, but, I never told her that so i didn't understand why she carried on at me.
Then it got to the point where Emily joined in-ish. She walked off with Hannah and left me by myself. This made me feel really uncomfortable and i was thinking, what shall I do? They just walked off and left me standing there in the middle of the playground. Of course I caught up with them and then, once again, they'd walk off and leave me. By June 2010, I got really annoyed. I was unhappy. I was upset. I was feeling really low, like I didn't belong there. Like I didn't exist. I was feeling invisible.
That's when it happened. I slit my arms one cut on each arm. I felt good after I'd done it. It made me feel good inside. The thing was, I hadn't thought about what would happen at school. What people would react if they saw the cuts. Emily asked me one day why I had plasters on my wrists. I made a silly lie, which I suppose, was the most ridiculous lie ever. My dog did it. She scratched my skin. And perfectly in a line symmetrically on both arms, how stupid of me! As if they'd believe that! In the same week I did it again. The unfortunate thing about me self-harming then was that it was in the height of summer and everyone was wearing short-sleeved t-shirts. Obviously my arms were full out on show for everyone to see. Then I heard one of the popular girls slit her wrists with a bread knife. Which was what I did. I felt stupid. They were all shocked and worried. I just thought that was how they were going to react if they noticed mine.
When it got to september, I was starting a new year in school. Year 8. My last year at middle school. I had made new friends by then. A best friend called megan. I never told Megan. Mainly because in the past she had spreaded others secrets, so I decided to not to tell her. I haven't told her still to this day. We are quite close now but I haven't got the guts to tell her. Over the year I gradually got more and more self-consious of my scars. As I was getting older, I suppose I was getting more bothered about the way I looked. One P.E lesson we were in Gym. I had a short-sleeved polo on and we were doing lifts and balances, that sort of thing. I had to put my underarms upwards ready to catch a girl who was going to jump. However, Emily (my ex friend and twin) spotted my scars and grabbed my arm to try and get a look. "Let me see, Skye! What have you been doing to yourself!" she said. I was feeling horrible. I tried to hide my arms from her but she wouldn't let go. I just wanted her to leave me alone. Not because I hate her for spotting, but because I am so ashamed of myself for doing what I did. She's so lovely and I would never think that sort of thing, but it was just because I was so annoyed for doing that to myself. For the next few lessons I wore my long-sleeved rugby top. I felt better inside.
When it got to about the same time as I first cut, it was 2011. I had a group of friends. Seven of them. All kind, lovely and happy. They didn't bitch behind my back! I became really close with one girl. Her name was Ella. She was having a tough time at the time too but she never told me because it was really private. She was the first person I told I slit my wrists. She was shocked, but she helped me get through it. I found her really helpful and she changed my mind on things. The bad thing was, because I was under so much stress with my parents splitting up and my dad not talking to us, I did it again. All together I had 8 scars. Three on my under arms and one on top of either arm. She was disappointed in me, but forgave me because she knew I was struggling with everything.
It was soon the summer holidays and we all had to split up and go to other schools. I haven't spoken or seen Ella since then. It makes me upset because I was really close with Ella. I'm now at high school and I've made new friends. The thing is, I don't feel right. No one talks to me. Everyone ignores me. I feel invisible and this makes me really unhappy. I do want to cut again but I've become so strong I can stop myself from getting to the point to do it. There has been some trouble with my mum and this horrible man she's with. I just can't cope right now. I do need some form of help from a psychiatric or councillor. I just haven't sorted it out. I think it would help me, I just need to get stronger and make myself. I haven't told my parents I've cut again. They knew I did the first two cuts but not the rest. I just can't tell them how I'm feeling right now. I know I will cut again. I know I will. They're never gonna leave my mind. I think about them 24/7. I just wish I had never done it. It has, like i said, taken a huge role in my life, but that's the way I chose to use my life and it was a stupid idea :s