Ok, well where do I start? Lets start with the basics. My name is Jack, I am 14 years old and after reading through this site have discovered that I indeed self-injure. This has gone on for anywhere from 6 months to a year. I have for a long time suffered from anger problems and even at one point in my life (around 10 years old) received counciling for a couple of months before me and my mum chose not to return.
Apart from my anger, my early life was fine. But it all changed in 2011, aged 13. I began to re-develop my severe anger, but on a much larger scale. I was beginning to get angry at every small thing and ended up breaking something and even threw my chair halfway across my room because it got "stuck" one time, breaking it into pieces. Then I suppose something in my brain just went *tick* because I got this awful idea of how it would be better to take out my anger.
I had the idea of "I will take out my anger somehow, so which is better? Breaking something that will never get repaired, or slashing at my arm, which over time will get better and heal." Its a stupid idea and I wish I never thought about it. So rarely (about once a week maybe once a fortnight) I would get really angry and decide to "self-injure". It came to around October/November time that I started to get better and stopped the self-abuse. However, Christmas for me was a very stressful period for me, and consequently triggered off the self-harm again, as well as a series of nervous ticks that are still affecting me today.
March was a month filled with classical love-sickness. I fell for this girl, I read the situation wrong and thought she liked me. Wrong. I guess maybe this may have triggered off the events of April, including what happened last night which lead me to immediately come on the internet for help, as I sort of scared myself. On April 3rd, I had what I would describe as a minor breakdown (although I am a drama-queen at times). It started as a heavy bout of anger, causing my to slash my arms once again, until I lay there talking to myself while all these crazy thought spun around my head. The thoughts were nasty, and ones I never, ever want to feel again. Although sadly I probably will.
Then there was last night (Easter Day). I was round my Grandma's for the day to celebrate. It was about 9 o'clock in the evening and they were all inside watching television. My phone has awful battery power, but I forgot to bring my charger. I had no choice but to go out to the car to use the car charger. While in the car, nasty thoughts came back into my head. It was awful. And then something happened for the first time. I have suffered from self-hatred and appauling self-esteem, but never before now had I slashed myself purely with the intention of causing pain. All those other times it was to release anger. But this time I wanted to hurt myself. Wanted to feel the pain. Now I'm scared, terrified I'll do it again. Scared that next time it may even be with a sharp object or even a knife.
The more I do this, the more I hate myself, and it goes round in an awful loop and progresses. It's the progression part that scares me the most.
Thank you for reading my story. I did not sleep last night because I was researching about self-harm and I felt compelled to post my awful experience that I don't wish on anybody. For ages I have wanted to tell my mum, but I still cannot find the courage to do it. Still cannot bring myself to tell her. She has seen some cuts before, but I told her I slipped on concrete, and she sadly believed me. I want her to know so I can get help, but I can't tell her. That's why I posted this, so I can tell somebody, anybody.