Okay, so, I was all better...kind of, once maybe every two weeks, it was fantastics. Now I feel terrible again. I've had about 4weeks off for exams and where I would have taken every opertunity to self harm this time last year, I hadn't. I was in a much more optamistic mood, I was smiling more, glad to have the time off (where I had previously feared long stretches of nothingness), more talkative, more confident. I was ready to go back to school and tackle it with full force, reconnect with friends, co-operate in lesson talks, all that jazz. I was ready to face what has bought me down, let it bring me down no more.
It wasn't like that.
I got back to school, I was ready to talk, but I saw everyone and chickened out. Went straight to form. Now, a week in, it is much to late to try. I haven't changed one bit. Another unchanged hope? I got to family councilling and realized tht. actually, I am no more close to my Mum than I was before the last session.
Today I reverted back to old ways. i was totally withdrawn in school, I've self harmed twice in one day I've even had a few drinks since I've been home. Not good. Not good at all.
I thought I had changed.