im not okay. i get waves of sadness and stress all the time. my parents are unexpecting with most things i do. my dad shouts and calls me names alot yet its died down reacently. my mum think only she is aloud to be stressed or busy. they both make fun of sexuality - and make jokes about bisexuality (not knowing im bi). one time my mum said to me while looking at random scratches on my hand (NOT SELF HARM) "you are not being "emo" are you?" (self harm) "no" "good" then she followed up with something along the lines of "because if you are doing that ill need to chuck you out lol" - all jokingly. i have a boyfriend. hes the best support i have and he puts up with me being crying and being selfish all the time. hes amazing to me. i worried him the other day and told him i was going to commit (i wasnt good mentally) and he told his parents who reconmended this website. i feel bad. i feel like i dont need any of this help, thats too selfish and ungreatful. i feel guilty everytime i cry or get upset because people have it worse. my grades are slipping. not as good as they used to be. i have panic attacks and black out migranes sometimes in lessons - i always panic in science and i dont know why. it just over comes me and its hard to focus. i keep wanting to run away. everytime im sad i just want to leave this life. i have messed up so much. i hate myself. i do bad things. me and my boyfriend "do sexual things" even though my parents tell me im not aloud. i lie to my parents alot. im sorry for that but they dont care or understand how i feel about anything. i hid an internet friend from them for about 4 years now. they found out last summer. i think i look disgusting. i hate my face and how it looks. its too - weird. its hideous. i have issues with what i look like often but then a couple hours/ days later i would love my appearance for a bit. i dont know. i am a huge procastinator. i start things then lose motivation a couple days later. i have lots of unfinished tasks and it drives me inside. its an endly loop of starting something, getting into it, quitting. then a month later start that thing again. this can range from (art, posting on @queeerrsafespot on instagram, making niche memes, practicing the keyboard, watching a good TV show ect.) i cant think of much more, but this is my rant. i dont know how these things work as this is my first post, sorry if it was long and boring :/