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Dedicated to self-harm recovery, insight and support.

Have a Little Patience

I don’t know about you, but having patience is something I really struggle with. A quick Google definition search brings up that the word ‘Patience’ means ‘the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious’ and the example given is "You can find bargains if you have the patience to sift through the rubbish."

You know that saying ‘all good things come to those who wait’? Well that’s all well and good, but how do I know how long I should wait? 

Life can sometimes feel like a bit of a waiting game. When we’re young and at school, we wait for the Christmas holidays and then the summer holidays, and as we get older we wait for the end of school, the end of college and then the end of university. Once we start work, we wait for the pay rises, promotions and job changes; and in our personal lives we wait to buy our first car, our first flat, to meet someone, and to hopefully buy our forever home.

But not all of these things are a given and that’s where my struggle to have patience comes in. If I don’t know something is guaranteed to happen - what if I end up wasting my life waiting for it? 

When you suffer from anxiety, having patience can seem impossible. My anxiety is often caused by my constant catastrophizing and endless ‘what if…?’ questions that I allow to spin around and round in my mind… “what if I never get a promotion?”, “what if I never move out of my mum’s house?” and “what if I never meet anyone?”. These are completely irrational thoughts as they aren’t based on any fact! 

But irrational thoughts often cause us to act irrationally. So, instead of having patience, I regularly lose my temper and blame the people I love for the fact that I’m not where I want to be in life. Whilst behaving this way always feels good at the time, in the long run it actually makes me feel bad about myself and brings me no closer to answering those “what if…” questions.

Perhaps the key to finding patience and knowing how long to wait is to simply change the question. Instead of worrying ‘what if I never get a promotion?’, I should change the question to become ‘what if I don’t get a promotion in the next five years?’. By putting a realistic time frame on it, this not only helps me to feel positive about it potentially happening, but it also helps me to feel in control of how long I should wait, which then in turn, encourages me to be patient. 

Think you could give it a go? Maybe this will help…

Let’s turn that example from Google into something a bit more relatable:

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How will this ever change?

Changing yourself: not in any big way and not too much at once. Choose one area at a time and work on that. School? A friendship? Your relationship with your parents? The more in control we feel of the choices we make; the better our mental health. 

Asking for help: it is hard to ask for help as we are admitting we can’t manage on our own, but the reality is, we aren’t made to. If you think we way to the beginning of time, people have always existed in groups – none of us are meant to manage life on our own so asking for help, not only helps you but actually creates stronger relationships too. Who would you like to ask for help?

Saying no: it’s a hugely important skill. We all need to practise it more, as it means we are taking control about what we don’t want to do; who we don’t to spend to time with; what we aren’t comfortable with…. Is there anything you want to say no to?

Making small steps: don’t try and leap… one small decision a day is a big step forward. Often we want to change so fast and we want it all done now. There are many trite sayings but the fact is, they are true. Long lasting change takes a lot of time and investment. What small step would you like to make today?

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Imperfection

This incredibly honest and powerful blog post was written by the fabulous Miriam! Miriam co-runs an Instagram account called @themiddle_path, where you can read this and other blog posts about recovering from eating disorders, mental health awareness and body positivity. Thanks Miriam!

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203c.png‼️TW: Post mentions scars from self-harm203c.png‼️


A few weeks ago a number of professional photos were taken of a very special day. The photos were beautifully done and the end result was incredible. However, looking through them something didn’t quite add up. It took a while to realise what it was but having scanned a number of pictures it was clear; my arms were smooth!

As a teenager self harm became a personal way of dealing with intense emotions & it has been a journey ever since. A journey where I am learning to treat my body with more care & less harm, but also a journey of learning to love what others may see as flaws/imperfections/areas that need to be improved or changed.

Megan Crabbe’s book(@bodyposipanda) has taught me so many lessons on loving your body & learning to not see any difference in your appearance as an imperfection. This book propelled me forward in learning to love my scars, to not hide them or feel ashamed of them. They all tell a story & the opinion of others should have no impact on the way I live my life or treat myself.

Having learnt to accept my scars which
1f4a5.png💥NEWSFLASH1f4a5.png💥were never an issue to begin with & then seeing them photoshopped out, hit a nerve with me & left me with lots of questions.
1f4f8.png📸Are they something I need to feel ashamed of?
1f4f8.png📸Are they flaws?
1f4f8.png📸I know the journey I was on felt right but maybe they do need to be hidden.

After some time to process & thankfully having the ability & time to talk this through with my husband, friends & therapy team I found my conclusion...

THERE IS NOT A SINGLE THING WRONG WITH HAVING SCARS 2705.png

THEY ARE NOT FLAWS274c.png

THEY ARE NOT IMPERFECTIONS274c.png

THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE HIDDEN FROM THE WORLD274c.png

NO ONE, NO PHOTO, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SHOULD MAKE YOU EVER QUESTION THE BEAUTY & VALUE OF YOUR BODY EXACTLY AS IT IS.

Shake the shame from your skin. You’ve done nothing wrong.

My body does SO much for me & it doesn’t have to be hidden just in case it meets the critical eyes of someone else.

This photographer wouldn’t have wanted to cause a minor crisis. Let’s be aware that what we see as imperfections might be what someone loves about themselves. All that’s needed is more education 1f49b.png

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International Women’s Day

International Women’s Day (falling on the 8th of March every year) is a global day to recognise the achievements of women, and to talk about the inequalities between the genders which still exist today. 

Though things have changed a lot since the early 1900’s, when International Women’s Day was first observed, there is still a wage gap between men and women, and women are still disproportionately represented in the media, business, and politics. In some areas of the world, women don’t have access to education or health care, and violence against women is still high.

One of the biggest struggles is the fact that some people think that there’s “nothing to complain about” anymore, and that women’s rights and feminism are things of the past. International Women’s Day is important, because it should break some of the myths around women’s equality, and shed light on startling figures.

This year, the theme of International Women’s Day is #PressforProgress. It’s all about uniting colleagues, friends, and communities to think, and be more gender inclusive, and press forwards for ground-breaking social change. 

International Women’s Day is just as significant now as it was over 100 years ago, when it began. As the International Women’s Day website says, it’s “not country, group or organisation specific. The day belongs to all groups collectively everywhere.”

So, how are you celebrating #IWD2018

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I know how it is

The blog post below was written by Verity, a 24 year old wishing to share her story of recovery. She hopes you enjoy reading it, maybe it will inspire you to start your journey?

People wont believe me, they'll think I'm lying, I'm just an attention seeker.... Sound familiar? Read on.... 

I'm Verity, I'm 24 and this is MY story of self harm.

I know how it is, its the first thing you think of when you wake up, the thought of it is what keeps you going throughout the day. You need to relax, you need relief. You want nothing more than the sun to start setting so you can close your curtains, light a candle and begin.....

Do you wear a long sleeve top even though you know your going to get hot and sweaty. Or do you wear a short sleeve top and try your hardest to ignore those red lines, to ignore people looking at them.

I'm not writing this to tell you that self harming is wrong or that you need to stop doing it. I am simply writing this to tell you; I know how it is, I've been there and I wish to share my story of recovery. 

I know first hand how frustrating it is when someone sits in front of you and says... 'Go for a walk' …. 'Take a bath' ….. 'Read a book'. You look at the floor and nod your head, tears streaming down your face. Your trying to hold back your anger when all you want to do is stand up, scream and punch a hole through the wall so you can run away. Again, sound familiar? Please keep reading! 

Now, hear me out, recovery is not an overnight diary entry. It is a long process, a stop-start journey, a one step forward-two steps back hike.

It is a gradual process with many twists and turns, ups and downs.

That's okay. It okay to get better then worse again. Its okay to stop and then start again. Its okay, I know how it is.

You've got this far so you may as well keep reading....

How about starting off with lifestyle changes and to make that sound less scary, all I mean is, small routine adjustments;

Get Creative

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Use your free time to work on one (or however many!) of the following;

  • Make a scrap book. A place where you can glue and scribble! Thoughts, feelings, day or middle of the night. This is YOUR scrapbook.
  • Create a photo album. Have your favourite photos to hand, add to it daily. Write on the back of the photographs what the pictures mean to you.
  • Write a blog. The online blogging community is huge! It is a good way to connect with other fellow bloggers who are writing about a similar subject to you. You can blog about almost anything! [NEVER reveal any personal info about yourself.]
  • Start a journal or diary. This can be a day-by-day thing or it can be as and when you feel like it! Its a bit like a chance to write your own book, your story told by you.

Take care of yourself

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Try to do one of the following atleast twice a week;

  • Eat a piece of fruit or veg and perform a workout DVD or exercise video on YouTube (20 mins).
  • Eat a piece of fruit or veg and take a 20 minute walk. On this walk, I want you to make note of all the animals you see and make a conscious effort to spot little insects.
  • Eat a piece of fruit or veg and take 20 minutes to do something healthy for yourself. Make yourself a facemask or footmask, moisturise your skin, make a fruit smoothie. Get some goodness in you!   

Take time for you 

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Find something YOU love doing and make time to do it each week. Here are just a few ideas;

  • Take the scenic route and take pictures of natural beauty spots, views, statues, cool stones or leaves that you find. Capture it on camera!
  • Visit the free attractions/museums in and around the area you live in. Many cities will have historic ruins and/or museums which are free or very low-cost to explore!
  • Volunteer helping others. We rise by lifting others so offer an hour or 2 of your time doing something nice for someone else! Cleaning, gardening or simply making a cuppa tea! It may be through a church or a charitable organisation, reach out and see where it leads you!

You still with me? Good! Last little bit....

Now, I am well aware that these may not help everyone but I wanted to write this. For me. For YOU.

So go on, give it a go, give it a chance and see what happens. Start your recovery journey, you'll learn what works for you and what doesn't. That's the beauty of journeys. And who knows, maybe one day, it'll be you who is sat in bed, typing about YOUR story of self harm.

I know how it is.

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Happy Christmas?

The blog post below was written by Sophie, a previous Graduate Volunteer with SelfharmUK and Youthscape.

I’m not usually someone who gets really excited for Christmas Day. For as long as I can remember, I was always at my mum’s for half of the day and my dad’s for the other half. I never really had a problem with having two homes – it was quite nice sometimes! But Christmas is the time when having a broken family is highlighted. Seeing other people’s festive photos would get to me. Obviously I knew not everyone was having the perfect Christmas, but seeing friends having big, ‘perfect’ family do’s would just remind me that I didn’t have that. At one house, it was almost like people were trying to play happy families when it wasn’t the case at all. It just felt forced and awkward.

I don’t find it as much of an issue now, and I’m even prepared for the drama I know will take place this year! But around Christmastime, feelings are automatically triggered for me based on how I’ve experienced Christmas in the past. So over the years it’s become normal to not feel the best during this time, but it’s something that is changing!

A few years ago, I was out with some friends and the place where we were, happened to have a Christmas themed night (bearing in mind it was April, so I don’t know what was going on there!) They’d play a Christmas song every few songs and it got to the point where I had to take a step outside as it was just making me feel down. Of course, everyone LOVED it, and they were dancing around, singing at the top of their lungs. I thought everyone liked Christmas, until one of my friends joined me outside. I explained why I was out there, and she turned to me and shared how she didn’t really like Christmas that much either. She was just going along with it, having a sing and dance. It was SO refreshing to hear I wasn’t the only one in there pretending.

However you are feeling this Christmas, you are not alone.

Did you know that it’s okay to not be okay at Christmas?

It sometimes seems like we have to be so joyful at Christmas, so we put on fake smiles and go along with the festivities when really, for some, it’s a time of pain, anxiety, stress. Perhaps Christmas reminds you that a loved one is no longer with you, perhaps it reminds you of how broken your family is. There are many reasons why Christmas may not be the happiest time of the year for you, and that’s totally okay.

The thing is, it’s pretty hard to avoid Christmas altogether, but there are always ways you can try and make it easier for yourself.

Knowing that the urge to self harm is usually heightened at Christmas can give you the upper hand as it won’t catch you off guard. It means you can come up with a number of distractions and other ways to cope in those moments. You can find some suggestions here. Take time for yourself this Christmas – you don’t have to fake how you’re feeling.

This year I’m choosing to shift my focus from the things I don’t like about Christmas, to the things I’m thankful for, appreciating what I do have rather than what I don’t. I want to be thinking more about the real meaning of Christmas rather than being so caught up in my own circumstances. I’m going to make more time for self-care; doing things that help energise and fill me rather than drain me.

A YouTuber I’ve found to be really helpful is Kati Morton. She is a licenced therapist and creates videos on a broad range of topics surrounding mental health and answers questions from her viewers. My particular favourite this year is a video where she gives some handy tips on how you can stay mindful at Christmas...

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World Mental Health Day 2017 #dontfilterfeelings

Today is World Mental Health Day

In order to be fully human we have physical wellbeing and mental and emotional wellbeing.

In the same way you sometimes get a cold, hurt your wrist or break a leg: we all get emotionally unwell at some point. 

Physically we can see when someone isn’t well – from their pale looking skin, to a arm cast to a wheelchair – it’s obvious when someone needs additional support due to their physical illness. Often it might only be a day or two off school, sometimes it needs hospital treatment – it’s a sliding scale of needing extra physical care.

Mental care is the same – it’s a huge scale. From having a ‘bad day’ to sleeplessness to depression – the scale is huge and, sadly, at some point, we might find ourselves needing some additional support, but, because it’s unseen we can be tempted not to ask for it. 

Hiding our feelings can make us feel worse. Feeling low can easily move into depression and anxiety issues.

Anxiety isn’t just the feeling of ‘being a bit worried’, it’s an overwhelming sense of dread or fear that stops you from enjoying life and may limit where you go because you come so anxious you can’t control it.

Panic attacks are the body’s way of holding up a ‘red card’, of saying ‘STOP’.

If you ever experience any of these things then you are most probably struggling with your anxiety, and because it’s hidden inside of you, others may not be aware of it. It may not happen every day, but possibly about the same thing each time or in the same situation:

  • a feeling of panic
  • heart racing
  • sweating
  • breathlessness
  • tight chest
  • clenching fists
  • feeling like crying
  • needing to run away.

When these feelings come into our body, it can be hard to take control. Don’t filter your feelings:

  • tell someone you are feeling panicky
  • if you can, take yourself away from the situation you are in
  • breathe, breathe, breathe – Slowly in and out. The temptation to breathe fast won’t allow your brain to get the oxygen it needs; slow breaths in and out
  • if you feel light headed, put your head down
  • try not to talk but concentrate your body on breathing and relaxing your muscles
  • once your breathing is slowing, work on relaxing every muscle in your body.

Once the feeling has subsided:

  • communicate  - if talking about it starts you feeling panicky again, write it down. Try and think back to what started it (it might not be the think you thought it was)
  • take control – write yourself an action plan – what can YOU do? Is there a situation or person that added to your distress? If so, how can that/they be avoided?
  • draw a stick person – where did you first feel the anxiety in your body? (sweaty hands, clenched fists, headache, heart racing). Write an action plan for what actions you can take when you begin to recognize that feeling in your body
  • give someone a copy of your action plan – someone who might be with you when it happens, include in it how you would like them to help (not talk to you, get you water, stay with you).

Long term anxiety needs specialised help. If you are finding yourself having panic attacks often, not sleeping, struggling with food issues: you may need to think about getting specialised help before things get worse. There are some great people out there who can help, we suggest you visit anxiety.org.uk for more info.

Love,

The SelfharmUK Team

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10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

The blog post below was written by Beki. Beki used to manage the local youth club for Youthscape in Luton and loves hanging out with people, playing pool and speaking about current mental health issues. Beki really enjoys sport and dance (basically anything active) and also enjoys catching up with friends and eating out.

My teenage years were one of the hardest, most exciting, and emotional times of my life; yet so instrumental in setting the foundation for learning and growing into the woman I am today.

At the time I thought I’d be stuck there forever, surrounded by people I wasn’t sure I wanted to grow up being best friends with, teachers I knew didn’t have it all right, and caught on an emotional roller coaster day in day out.

Ironically, as a teen I couldn’t wait to ‘grow up’ and I’d always dream about the day I turned 18 and became a responsible, carefree adult.

Here’s the thing…becoming a grown up for me just wasn’t that simple, especially when I had a tonne of baggage, a broken heart in more than one place, and a bucket load of low-self esteem to carry across the threshold into adulthood with me.

So here’s 10 things I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was 13 going on 20, just to make the ride a little less bumpy:

1️⃣ Your opinions matter!

via GIPHY

It’s easy to feel as though others older or more experienced than you have it all together, but this isn’t true. By sharing a piece of yourself with others it will build your confidence over the years. No matter how small it is, you have something valid to bring to a conversation. So believe in the power of your own voice!

2️⃣ It’s okay to fail.

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I don’t know about you, but failing just wasn’t an option for me. I put so much pressure on myself to do well, that when I didn’t succeed I was heartbroken.

But seriously… I’ve learnt that it’s okay to fail.  Failing makes you realise you’re human, that mistakes are normal; it brings to light some of your greatest strengths of character when your pride wants to come out on top.

3️⃣ Don’t wish away the years

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Undeniably, as I said above, being a teen can really suck! But if you could make the most of every opportunity and live in the present rather than dreaming on the future, things might be more exciting. You might learn to kick back, relax and enjoy the time you have now.

4️⃣ Be kind to yourself

via GIPHY

You get up every morning, race to school/college to learn for 7 hours, come home and do your schoolwork, and then sleep again, ready to repeat this over the next day. When do you take the time to look out for yourself, to tell yourself it’s okay to stop there and carry on tomorrow?

Why not stop right now, go and watch your favourite film or TV show, or listen to your favourite music. You deserve a break!!

5️⃣ Stand up for the things you believe in

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Sometimes people can make you feel like you’re incapable of making decisions for yourself, that you don’t need a belief system or your own unique spirituality.

I say there’s nothing better than loving and accepting who you are! So don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd and be different. People will respect you far more for being strong and being yourself.

6️⃣ Your friendship group will not remain BFF’s for life

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Sometimes the friendships we make at school aren’t always healthy, mutual and confidence building and although we promise to be best friends till we are old and wrinkly, this hardly ever happens. Arguably, some of my friends from school are still in my life but the majority of my close friends were made at university, in church, and at work. So don’t take fall-outs, gossip, and changing friendships too seriously. These are something that will pass with time, as you learn more about yourself and figure out who your true friends are.

7️⃣ Forgive

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There are so many opportunities to build up resentment throughout your teens: relationship break-ups, bullying, gossip, parents letting you down; but you hold the key to being free from the weight of all the hurt and upset. There’s a beautiful quote that says ‘Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die’. In other words, being bitter is going to hurt you more.

Try to forgive, even when it’s hard, because whilst the other person is walking around freely you are carrying a weight on your heart that won’t help anyone, least of all yourself.

8️⃣ Sometimes parents know best

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Yes, sometimes parents get it wrong and aren’t on the right track to help you through your teens. Sometimes, though, they may actually be onto something. After all they were teenagers too…once upon a time.

Take some time to listen to their advice and learn about some of their mistakes, you might feel better supported in issues you’re facing. If you feel your parents aren’t the best support, why not try and find someone you trust and get support from them. We all need a little care from someone we look up to.

9️⃣ You are stronger than you think

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There may be many times when you will feel like you’re about to break and everyone will catch a glimpse of the weaker side of you.

Just by going through day-to-day life as a teen you are building resilience that will only help you when you reach adulthood, so having weaknesses is no biggie. It’s learning to deal with these and carry on forward that makes you strong. And yes, YOU ARE STRONG!!

🔟 It’s okay to ask for help

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You are strong, you are brave, but you don’t have to have it all together. Which is why, asking for help is a great option. Sometimes the idea of telling someone you have a need, feels like weakness but some of the strongest people I know are those who can admit they need help. Help overcoming an addiction, going to counselling to talk through anxiety, asking for money to help repay debt… I’ve seen some of my closest friends admit they need help and I’ve been inspired by them.

Who knows, one day you might be on the opposite side and you’ll know exactly what to do.

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