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Dedicated to self-harm recovery, insight and support.

In the future

Oliver shares with us some of their own journey around their self-harm.

When I self-harmed, I didn’t think about anything else. I only wanted to deal with the pain there and then. I wanted to feel something except numb.

Now, a few years later. I can feel. Some days I feel sad. Some days I feel happy. Mostly, I feel just OK.

One thing I do feel is sad about the damage I did. I have over 150 scars all over my body. I was in such a bad way at the time it never ever ever entered my head about what they would look like in the future.

I have used bio oil and when I am getting dressed up, I use Dermacol which covers really well. But most days, I live with my scars. They are my battle scars – I am a survivor. Just as people come back from war with scars; these are mine. They are a sign of victory. They also make me sad sometimes.

I never thought about the future when I was in a very bad place mentally; I kind of wish I had.

I went from self-harming to starving myself. From external scars, to internal scars. 

The internal scars have healed well emotionally – I got help from my family and professionals – but I am left with some long term internal scars too.

My heart has been affected by not eating, it’s been left weak and with heart palpations. I didn’t know that I would be scarred internally and externally, because I didn’t care at that point.

Now – I am well; I kind of like my visible scars because they give me permission to tell my story. It helps others understand that self-harmers aren’t crazy or anything to be scarred of; they want to find a new way of living and find enjoyment in life.

My internal scar (my weak heart) is harder to live with.

In the future, take a moment to think about you. Your body. Your future.

You have one, and you might not want to have the long term affects.

Alumina can help you think about why you are self-harming, so you can stop before you have too many scars. Inside and out.